I would like to do my own eulogy, and then shoot myself and then get in the coffin.

The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.

In Britain, girls seem to be either bright or attractive. In America, that's not the case. They're both.

If you are leaping a ravine, the moment of takeoff is a bad time to be considering alternative strategies.

Naturally, people's image is of a performer, but the reality of it is the writing for me has always been the most important thing and the most rewarding thing.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

British press think entirely in clichés, and when they do come across creative work, they think that it must be based on something, because they don't realize that you can create things that aren't based on things.