Who's ever going to write a film in which I get the girl? Me!

If I like chocolate it won't surprise you that I have a few chocolates in my fridge, but if you find out I've got 16 warehouses full of chocolate, you'd think I was insane. All these rich guys are insane, obsessive compulsive twits obsessed with money - money is all they think about - they're all nuts.

I would like to do my own eulogy, and then shoot myself and then get in the coffin.

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

I think the hard thing for young comedians is that the majority of the young people in the audience out there don't have the wide range of references.

I think it's because in America you always get the sense that if you fail, you can just pack up your things and go somewhere else and try again. But in England, it's so geographically small that if somebody succeeds here, it reduces your chances of succeeding.

I don't understand why very, very rich people want to have even more money than they've already got.