Royalty is the gold filling in a mouthful of decay

Go on - but don't think you can kill my confidence. I've had experts doing it for years.

Laughter's the nearest we ever get, or should get, to sainthood. It's the state of grace that saves most of us from contempt.

That voice that cries out doesn't have to be a weakling's does it?

There will be a quick rash of hairy American filth, but it shouldn't threaten the existence of decent, serious British filth.

You see I learnt at an early age what it was to be angry - angry and helpless. And I can never forget it. I knew more about - love... betrayal... and death, when I was ten years old than you will probably ever know in your life.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.