Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. I'm concerned about values - moral, ethical, human values - my own, other people's, the country's, the world's values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.