Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Only lie about the future.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.