In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.