I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.