I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.