Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.