Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.

I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.