Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.