I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.