Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.