I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.