I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.