According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.