I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.

There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.