I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Only lie about the future.