I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I play my life straight - the way I see it. I'm grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do - but I'm not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.