For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.