I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.