I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.