I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.