As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.