Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.