I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.