I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Believe me, you don't walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.