May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.