May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.