I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."