Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.