Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.