Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Like their parents, kids flock to see James Bond and Derek Flint movies - outrageously antiheroic heroes who break all the taboos, making attractive the very things the kids are told they shouldn't do themselves.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!