Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.