I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?