Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.