Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.