Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.