Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.