Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Only lie about the future.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.