I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.