Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I play my life straight - the way I see it. I'm grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do - but I'm not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.