An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I play my life straight - the way I see it. I'm grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do - but I'm not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?