People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.