Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'