Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.