Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.