The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.