As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.