People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.