If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?