If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'