If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.