If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!