There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.