Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

Only lie about the future.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.