Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. I'm concerned about values - moral, ethical, human values - my own, other people's, the country's, the world's values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!