Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".