If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.