I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.