Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?