Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.