Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'