Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.