As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.