The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.