There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.