Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.