I play my life straight - the way I see it. I'm grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do - but I'm not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.