Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.